


The General and the Captain and Me

by Davechicken



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crackfick, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-05-24 05:34:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6143140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Davechicken/pseuds/Davechicken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kylo Ren discovers the joys of writing... fanfic!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The General and the Captain and Me

Kylo was bored. And when Kylo was bored, he tended to look for new and interesting things to occupy him. As the holonet search engine parameters were increasingly locked down (Hux trying to take away his every source of amusement) and the staff suggestion forum was closed (apparently MattTheTech’s suggestions were tantamount to high treason and cyberbullying) and his holo-image manipulation software _mysteriously couldn’t be fixed by tech support…_ his new form of entertainment was something called _fanfiction_. He’d overheard Glenda in Accounts Payable discussing it, and after some research found it wasn’t (yet) blocked on the First Order’s network.

Yet being the operative word.

***

 _C_ aptain Phasma walked into General Hux’s office. Her uniform squeaked slightly when she did. It was a nice homage to the Empire, but really maybe the First Order should have put more money into the R&D department. After all, the ground troops shouldn’t look too like Darth Vader had, they weren’t important enough.

Her uniform shone like Coruscant at night, when the lights caught on it, at the right angle. The rest of the time it just reflected back a twisted and grotesque image of whoever was stupid enough to get into trouble with her.

“Captain,” said the General, because they were both idiots who loved rank more than anything else.  


“General Hux,” said the Captain, because she was of a lower rank, and they probably have rules about that and it’s all very boring and dull.  


“Have you come to give me a report?”   


“No… I’ve come to…”  


***

Kylo scratched his head. This was harder than it seemed. He flicked through a few existing stories for advice.

***

“ _I_ ’ve come for the annual physical,” the Captain said, and tilted her chrome-headed bucket down at him. It wasn’t really sleek and impressive or anything like as cool as Kylo Ren’s helmet.   


“Your records state you have two a year, voluntarily, and you aren’t due one,” Hux replied.  


“It isn’t _my_ physical.”  


***

That was a good line. Kylo laughed. And then realised he was laughing to himself. And then stopped.

***

“ _I_ don’t need one, I’m the General.”  


“Everyone needs one. And I’m going to be your doctor.”  


The General looked interested, but also scared. He stood up behind his desk and he started to unbutton his shirt. He had a lot of buttons. The gloves made taking clothes off hard. Have you ever tried to undo lots of buttons in gloves? You take the gloves off, first, Hux.

***

…was he supposed to yell at Hux in the text? Eh. It was fanfiction.

***

 _T_ he General took his coat and his shirt off, and he stood in front of his desk and the Captain walked around him and examined him. The General felt kind of dirty when she did that, because he was not used to women in mirrored metal clothing wandering around him and making him look like a circus freak in his reflection on her ~~boobs~~ ~~breasts~~ ~~front bits~~ ~~chest~~ ~~bosom~~ armour. He was really pale and also ginger. Not just his hair. Freckles. They were ginger, too. He was really skinny compared to Kylo Ren, who was shredded and had an eight-pack. Hux was more like shredded lettuce and had probably never even drunk a six pack because he probably drank silly things like neat liquor and growled over the ice cubes when he did it but that didn’t make you buff and strong. He would totally fail a real medical.

Captain Phasma checked him out and then she told him to strip.

“Why?” asked the senior officer, his voice tremulous because he was a coward who liked to fight with pretend pieces on a board and probably had never really seen blood in his life except by shaving if he even could grow a beard maybe he shaved his pubes.  


“Because I am your doctor,” she said, and then she took off her helmet. It was a surprise when she did it because even though everyone knew she was a woman she still had really nice hair and she was actually kind of good looking in a really tall way.  


“The Supreme Leader–”  


“Never needs to know.” Her voice was husky when she said that, and her eyes glinted in that way that said he really wouldn’t.  


Hux shuddered and dropped his slacks as well and they got stuck on the weird bits that flared out that were really pointless. She made him turn and told him to cough and did that thing doctors do.

“…s-satisfactory?” Hux asked, trying not to go any pinker than he already was.  


“I think this warrants a second opinion.”  


“WHAT? NO!”  


“Then I’m going to have to look closer…” she said.  


***

“Lord R– are you… well?”  


“GET OUT!” Kylo yelled.  


“I came to say that the Supreme Leader has summoned us.”  


“…”  


“Shall I give your apologies?”  


“… _no_ ,” he said, and he hoped to the Force that the Leader shipped them too.  



End file.
